This weekend, we went to my parents house for a few days. It was a short trip, shortened by a sudden homesickness on Joy's part that took the form of crying for an hour at bedtime and waking for more than an hour to cry in the middle of the night. Getting home solved that. I forget often that my girls are different. What worked for one, what was true for one will not be true for the next. But, I think it's a lovely chance for me to keep my eye on now, and to stay ever flexible.
But, what I really wanted to write about was what Grace said as we pulled out of my parent's driveway. 'When we left home, I was excited to see my grandparents (she has quite special names for them actually), but sad to leave Daddy behind. Now that we're leaving, I am sad to leave my grandparents, but excited to see Daddy."
And that is life. Isn't it? Everything involves coming and going, leaving and being left, a constant pull of excitement and sadness. It struck me, sharply, that what we focus on, the joy or the sadness in each moment, is how we view our lives, the world, everything.
My husband has been busy doing just the kind of project he spent years preparing for. And this season is tricky. It's been a long haul. It's the start of holidays and he couldn't join our trip. (We did stay behind Thursday to share turkey as a foursome.) He's tired. He misses unstructured time with the girls and me too. And he was complaining about wanting to find a better balance. And while I appreciate that, and want him home more too, I stopped him. What he wants to do takes insane focus for certain stretches of time. It is the only way to do that work. And either he wants that trade off or not. But, he can't have it both ways, and he can't complain when dreams are coming true.
Perhaps I spend too much time focusing on the good side - who I get to see at the other end of the trip, what I get in my many tradeoffs. If I focus on the negatives, I always lose. Worse than the sadness, I lose sight of my many joys. Perhaps, some can see both, like Paulina. "She had one eye declin'd for the loss of her husband, another elevated that the oracle was fulfill'd." (From the Winter's Tale by Shakespeare) Not me. My eyes are bound together and tied to my mind, and looking down brings it all down. I choose to look up.
I was pondering this yesterday, Kate, and find it wonderfully amazing that you penned my conclusions exactly.
ReplyDeleteWhen I decided to work, I knew it was going to be different and a little difficult as our family dynamics shifted to accommodate my changing self. There are moments when I feel overwhelmed by what working 8 hours a day means--missing out on my kids, a clean house (cuz of course it was spotless when I was at home, ha), and waking up early to get things accomplished--but when despairing thoughts arise, I quickly squash them because I chose this. I knew it would be hard in some ways, rewarding in others. It's okay to feel tired, but to be regretful only breeds discontent and unhappiness. I don't want to be a discontent and unhappy individual, so I choose to fight through the bad and find the good.
Granted, there are a few things that shouldn't be trampled on--loss being one--to find the positive, but when we embark on adventures of our choosing (including parenthood) then we should seek to find the joy and happiness in each day, right?
Naturally there will be periods of frustration, but that is life and we also shouldn't be hard on ourselves if we do complain because we are just dang tired.
Beautiful. And just what I needed right now. Thank you from my heart.
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Tina
I really hear this, Kate, and I admire your resolve to look up. A friend just shared a quote from Dr. Seuss on my blog and I thought of it again when reading your post: "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." I often spent too much time mourning what's gone, but I appreciate your reminder (and Dr. Seuss's) to give thanks for the good that we've had and that's yet to come.
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